If Kanye isn't crazy, than what are we?

A strange set of insights so you don't feel alone at night

I wonder how Kanye’s doing. I was going to write about his multiple breakdowns over the years and contrast that with him possibly, in a very farrrrr fetched turn of events, being a…uhh… normal person. Then I looked up “Ye” on Instagram and found he only followed the Combs family, and his wife or whatever they are. Totaling 4 followers. For the fear of what I have to say being trumped by Ye memes, baby oil references, and Diddy Combs innuendoes, I decided against my original theory.

But Ye, you are a crazy bastard. Here the latest the actually has me thinking about Ye and his mental health. Click here. If you don’t come back and finish reading and subscribe and start your usual doom scrolling on Tik Tok, we will have a problem.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the legacy I’m going to leave here one day. Similar to Kanye in that video. Is it that crazy? Is it that taboo for society to believe we are drawn to a spiritual purpose or belief in doing better, even if we look fucking insane whilst doing it? On our beautiful planet, there is so many incredible people full of knowledge and excitement at every turn, its sickening the possibilities that are abundant. I don’t often think of my legacy. I usually just wake up David Goggin’s style and “get the fuck after it.” Throw in a side of “don’t be a bitch.” I suppose it’s in my programming which as confirmed by a woman recently “is just a guy thing.”

Thanks.

I can’t help ignoring the gnawing feeling of “Now what?”

You ever feel like you’re so tired of trying to be something you’re not? You ever wonder how you’re spending your time and just get so mad at yourself because so much of it feels wasted? Like why aren’t you out there doing the crazy stuff that makes you feel alive every minute of every day?

It gets so god damn tiring trying to keep up with it. It’s easy to believe how we’ve lost so many people to suicide over the years, or drugs that lead to death, or total mania that’s robbed the willing. It’s really not that hard to believe. (Yes i’m okay, sheeeesh) It’s upsetting on a monumental level to me because I’m a (as my brother puts it) a “feeler.” It’s alright having a big brother but that means sometimes understanding the underlying message to what’s being said caveman style.

Feeler? You mean I have a heart you buffoon?

Like a rocket for the last 29 years, I’ve just gotten the fuck after it. I had blinders on for so much of my life that I think protected me from a lot of hurt or ever confronting the hurt. Or ever even thinking about how I’m spending my time.

I think that’s true for so many of us. Were just pursuing the feeling of the day, and that’s it. It’s more complicated than that of course, but there is a simplicity to it.

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I was on Facebook marketplace recently shopping, I mean Facebook dating checking out some of the latest. I hate dating apps but yet I still use them. If you’re wondering what’s wrong with you, you’re not alone. We on this ride together. I happen to connect with a few lovely ladies and had some engaging Facetime calls that lead to no where the last several weeks. Nonetheless, I liked connecting with new people even if they were dead ends.

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A few years ago, I picked up the book called “The Laws of Human Nature.” I think I purchased it simply because it looked cool and that was it. I had tried to read it but it’s a long read and not exactly the most thrilling. It was more insightful than anything. But it had to come at the right time the read, it wasn’t something you just picked up to escape. Yes, proximity and timing is important. It’s because everything happens exactly when and how it needs to and I trust that.

Even if it’s an aggravating process… I’m still gonna wake up and get after it of course.

I was at my wits end when I picked it up, flipped to a random chapter and started reading it. I landed on “Advance with a Sense of Purpose.”

“Great, I no longer believe in myself. I need a book to validate my questions.” I’m thinking to myself as I open the door to more existential questions I don’t have answers to.

In the past, I would of been full of pity for turning to outside sources for answers but the rigorous curriculum of life had taught me a thing or two the last few years and admittedly, I felt great about myself for the absolute first time in my life. It was okay to finally put my ego aside, and quite literally turn the page. I had finally found my hobbies that gave me a new sense of life outside of the office. I had a meaningful career in Hospitality that gave me a sense of “theres a reason I’m here.” I owned nice things, I had amazing people in my circle. All of my bills were paid, nothing short of a miracle in this world.

As I read through the trials tribulations of Martin Luther King’s journey, I found so much appreciation for picking up this book and really diving head first into it. I couldn’t stop thinking of my legacy and needed some insights and I was getting just what I needed. I felt like I had gotten away from me. It’s like I forgot who I was and that didn’t sit right with me.

How could that be? Everything was going so well! Why!!?!?!?!?

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How’re you doing? She said.

I responded with a moving “If I could melt away, I would.”

Ten minutes later, I’m on Facetime with an absolute stranger. Must of been three hours before getting off the phone into the wee hours of the morning.

“Ew, what was that?” I thought

I was so raw, and we laughed a lot about how that tagline “If I could melt away, I would,” made her want to talk to me. It was like a call for help, and I was weak. We laughed about a woman’s purpose to help the broken, like I could be fixed or something. We talked about everything and anything. I told her how things felt lately only turning every vulnerable moment into a laughable moment because I hate feeling my feelings. I hate being honest about my feelings and in todays world, it’s just weird.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU FEEL? WEIRDOOOO

I told her how fired up I felt recently because I was so annoyed with how certain interactions were going, the lack of depth in the dating pool, and can’t forget "I lost my fucking purpose, please fucking help me out hereeeeee".

“Well, how has your day been?” she asked politely and kindly enough that I felt I could open up.

“I’ve been trying to do better recently and just be a better person. I’ve been getting up and working out again, I’ve been telling people what they mean to me. But today when I woke up at 5am to get a jump on the day, I flooded my kitchen.”

“You what? How’d you do that?” she said while listening intently on my response.

“I started the dishwasher and started teeing up some hate emails for the day ahead to go out hours later so people don’t think I’m a mad man sending emails at 5AM. All of a sudden in the distance I could hear hissing from my kitchen. My dishwasher had overflown into my kitchen sink and was slowly flooding everything.”

“Are you okay?” she asked obviously in awe of my response.

"I just started laughing like a hyena as I starred into the abyss contemplating all of my life’s choices.” I responded.

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I spent the better portion of my week telling everyone I was looking for my purpose, quite excitingly may I add. It was the funniest thing I had said to anyone in awhile, but it wasn’t meant to be funny. I was being serious! I think people were just as confused. My “can do” and “I got this” independent personality went right out the window and into the neighbors garbage. I would say it went into my trash but my shit’s piling high after this week and there ain’t no room left.

It’s hard growing up and one day not too long ago, time never mattered to me. I thought I would be here forever and the realization that we aren’t here forever should scare you to death. If that doesn’t wake you up from you’re oblivion, maybe Ye really isn’t that crazy after all. Maybe' it’s just us.

“Hey Alex, que something nice that makes me feeling like I’m not running in place.”

“Here is “Nowhere to Run,” by Kings of Leon on Apple Music, Anthony.”

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK